Seasons
by starfiretj
Summary: Watch as Ayano goes through seasons of denial , pain, reflection , loneliness and acceptance.


Disclaimer: I don't own Kaze no Stigma/stigma of the wind [Takahiro Yamato is the author. May he rest in peace]

* * *

**Seasons**

* * *

_Mainly Ayano's Pov_

First Kazuma had left. He had left with his usual smug smirk and totally inadequate "I ll be back" along with a condescending pat on her head.

He had left before she could get her sputtering in order to ask him anything. She wondered whether he planned it. His apartment was empty too.

'That jerk…see if I care', she thought acidly. She felt he had planned the vagueness and lack of details…planned to leave her wondering, confused and just a wee bit abandoned.

A few months passed. She was busy as usual. 'Of course I don't miss him, why will I miss that pervert', she thought.

There were always yomas around, tasks to finish for the clan. School which was now college, her own clothes were tattered in place of her uniform, life moved on like it always did. 'I don't care what he is up to', she pushed him out of her head.

She practiced her katas. She always did, she had a duty to her family, to the people. She was instinctual in most things, planning wasn't ever her forte. Clearing her mind was usually so easy, ignoring her subconscious awareness was usually so easy. Just because she knew in the back of her mind doesn't mean she has to accept it consciously. To her not thinking about it implied it didn't exist. 'No I never think about him', Ayano comforted her pride.

The realization of he might not come back came one day with a particularly difficult yoma. Bleeding and bit torn She caught herself muttering "Kazuma would…", she wanted to purify herself at that instant. She had always believed in her strength her sword and her thoughts; she wondered when she started to expect him to be at her back protecting her and just being there. When did I start relying so much on him was the thought that accompanied that yoma's purification. She threw herself into training after that day.

* * *

It rained. It hailed then it snowed.

She had spent months of not saying his name and now Ren had received a card for his birthday from the accursed(Kazuma). Ren had grown into a silhouette so similar to brother that it sometimes made her pause in wonder at genetics. He was already like his brother with his own share of admirers. No matter how much she knew they were brothers, they were so different in personality that it sometimes escaped her unconscious understanding. It struck her then that he must have kept in touch with Ren. 'It was only me that..',she stomped the half thought down to the recess of her mind. She smiled and hugged Ren instead. She couldn't begrudge him the brother he had always loved and wanted.

She cried for the first time that night. She covered it up as well as she could. It had taken her a long time to accept that she was unimportant to him. He was too scarred and untrusting of their power hungry family who couldn't accept him without his contractor abilities. She felt disgusted with herself for giving him so much power over her, but he was greedy and she was helpless when it came to him.

The climate never affected her really, she went about like a thick-skinned bull no matter what; the spirits that guided her kept her temperature regulated. she ignored the passing seasons like they didn't matter but she knew what the change in season implied. It was the passing of time. She didn't feel the cold, she didn't really know the cold...before. Now it twisted her insides she felt it spread from her heart in small cracks and into the marrow of her bones. Made her voice falter crack or break when she didn't expect it. It surprised her initially, she always had no problems with saying whatever she wanted with no consideration. For once she was angry with herself. 'I am not weak' and she held herself together

It was unsurprising really Yukari and Nanase talked to her…tried maybe a better word. Needless and endless advice on not bottling it up, trying to contact him or at least try to get closure, they had been stared at blankly. At the end of her tether Nanase had set her up with a boy from her class. Neither she nor the boy told Nanase what happened on the date which had lasted a grand total of 30 minutes but he never spoke to Nanase again.

* * *

Then it was New Year, the new year's dinner with so many people she couldn't possibly remember them , but she had to. She wasn't supposed to offend anyone by asking..sorry..umm…your name is?.

She had men of various ages swarming around her. It disappointed her because she couldn't enjoy the holiday buffet in peace.

It was weird to get so much male attention but she knew they wanted her because she was powerful and her family was rich. And she was currently unable to open her mouth to say exactly what she thought of their behavior before leaving her foot's imprint on their face. She knew they would run screaming if they knew her...if they really knew her.

Growling at Yukari's continued refusal to even acknowledge her non verbalized plea for a rescue ,she became actually annoyed when she and Detective Tachibana not so discreetly started laughing at her predicament.

Looking around she spotted Nanase who had come with her boyfriend, a guy who was as athletic as she was and had somehow withstood Ayano's threats and Yukari's warnings. Though swirly eyed and trembling after, he told them of his love for Nanase. Privately they both agreed that if a guy could withstand their frothing at the mouth madness it must be true love.

* * *

Valentine's day was more like a month with its constant 'couple'yness. Her over active imagination stilled her behavior when she saw couples. She knew the accursed wouldn't be alone today, he was like a magnet for women's affection. She felt bitter because she knew she was lonely and it was such a new foreign thing to feel that she tried to put that yearning out of her mind. She wondered whether want and hurt would ever go away as she tried to make the festival of love go by faster.

It couldn't totally be ignored however, as she made friendship chocolates for her friends and family. When teased by her father whether she was giving honmei chocolates at least this year, she said "no" and smiled "maybe next year". If she had turned around she might have seen the look of pride and love on his face as he regarded her.

It was on White day that she contemplated cutting her hair, she knew Kazuma loved…eep…liked her hair. It would be easier to fight she reasoned to herself.

Sitting in the hairdresser's chair (who had just finished fan girling over her hair) she felt unprepared for the result of her decision. "Don't worry sweetie, one of the steps to get over a man is change", the hairdresser held the scissors and comb poised over her head like weapons.

She looked at him in shock, then looked at her friends in the mirror and finally looked at herself. 'I love my hair…". She scrambled out of the chair and out of the parlor leaving Nanase and Yukari to make her excuses for her. She knew they wouldn't mind, they were against the idea from the start

* * *

She was born in the middle of summer. Glorious summer. Ablaze like the fire in her soul, in her eyes and in every molecule of her. Blowing out the candles she looked at the small gathering and felt affection and gratitude swell up for the people who she would fight to protect and who would protect her. 'Only he isn't here' She quenched the whisper in her heart forcefully, and felt ungrateful for missing him when all her friends were here. She felt she was supposed to be a whole year wiser but nothing seemed different.

Maybe her mother would have been able to guide her thoughts better but she hadn't really missed her mother for such things before, She knew she was lucky, her father gave her more room and space to be herself than a woman from a traditional family was allowed. She wondered whether she would be capable of being such a head of the family..calm strong and reliable.

Looking at him now she wondered whether he missed his wife, whether he was lonely and regretted his position as the head of the family for costing him his life with his wife. She knew of love but she understood duty, honor and sacrifice better than she wanted to know. She knew of respect and the facades (that were mostly thrown off in the heat of the moment) that was necessary to not give affront. She wondered again whether it was wrong for her to wish for love with anyone else instead. Whether it would hurt her again in the end. She tried to make peace with the choice her heart made without her really making a choice.

Catherine in a teasing manner had asked her what Kazuma had sent her for her birthday. Ayano was startled. It was the first time in long time that people had brought up his name in front of her, treating her like a wounded animal. With gentle words and treading on their tippy toes.

"Umm"..she started. She missed him and everyone could see that in her half started sentences.

"I don't think he even knows it is my birthday" . she knew they were wondering at her behavior which she refused to acknowledge had changed. She didn't want pity or give them room to give her platitudes. 'Ha! she didn't need comforting, it was his loss not hers'. She hid behind the wall of her anger instead.

Most of her emotions were overshadowed by anger, she knew it. Disappointment, hurt, jealousy, expectation, … Anger masked whatever else she left at most times. She was afire and it consumed every part of her. She didn't mind it, she knew it was the source of her power, her quickness to anger her advantage. It fueled her flames and charged her up. It cocooned her mind and her anger was a habit she feel into willingly without hesitation.

"Why are we even talking about that jerk when there is cake to eat?" she gestured to the 5 types of cake

There was cake, lots of it and everyone politely pretended to forget the previous topic. After the diffusion of the previous bomb no one wanted to make the birthday girl unhappy.

* * *

He had come back with as little fanfare as he had left, almost a full year after he had left. Came back with that same grin that used to infuriate her and yet used to say I know you are infuriated.

She surprised him by smiling and saying "Welcome back" instead of a sword in his face. He was almost disappointed.

He was hired as usual to be her bodyguard and it seemed like they fell back into their usual routine.

Well, almost.

Her dad learned to not give her the assignments alone -She would finish it without even talking to Kazuma.

she stopped coercing him into buying her food.

She didn't stop to be angry when she spotted him out with women (in his defense it was only Catherine or detective Tachibana). She didn't think of it as giving up really. She knew she loved him, and felt he deserved to be happy at least that is what love meant to her now- for her to be unselfish. She felt like she and her father's matchmaking schemes were an annoyance to him, an annoyance he was paid to bear but still she has her self-respect.

* * *

Kazuma first worried at this development and then grew disappointed. 'She wasn't supposed to be angry with him for so long', he thought.

Then it became 'she must have gotten over what she felt for me'.

He took to following her around, hiding himself well with his winds. Her shopping trip with her friends. he ended up buying the stuff she wanted but couldn't afford. Her first date (at least he hoped it was the first) made him clench his jaw and his fists innumerable times as she got ready, thankfully she ditched that loser after an hour of eating him out of every penny the loser had (the sight made him pity the loser and yet be strangely proud of her)

He knew he had to stop his habit of following her around but he felt slightly addicted to her responses, those almost new and yet old responses. As he knew she had grown up he was reminded she was still the same.

Next time he saw her she was sitting with her back to him on top of a building sitting with her legs dangling over the edge. The wind around her was not from him. She was looking over the city like a guardian angel.

"Ayano"

She was startled, he knew. But he didn't expect him to look at him with those eyes. 'Her eyes aren't supposed to look like this', he thought.

"Why didn't you ask me where I went?", Kazuma asked her

"Why should I care?", She turned away.

He lifted her up by her arms, set her in front of him and turned her around rather gently.

"Ayano…"

"You didn't contact me Kazuma"

"I had to go back to take care of some loose ends. I had come to Japan with the intention of going back and staying where Tsui-Ling and I had lived."

She looked at him then. He knew she was half seeing him and half what he would have been in the past.

"I thought you weren't going to come back you jerk"

"I told you I ll be back you stupid girl"

"Why would you want to?", she asked him in a tone lower than usual.

On the top of the building with nothing between them but misunderstandings

"Ren…" he hesitated "and you. Mainly you. Can't have a relationship from another country can you. Takes out all the fun of you calling me a pervert"

She tilted her head looking at him with wonder.

"Say something", he was annoyed not nervous! Okay? Dammit

She continued looking at him incredulously.

"Ayano, now would be a good time to say something"

"You know I love you Kazuma", she said in a burst of honesty and frustration, "Why didn't you say anything before?"

"We have all the time in the world, you were too young…" and the I love you stuck in his throat.

She cut him off with "So you love me too, eh pervert?", She stepped half a step closer to him.

He saw her then, so grown up and so strong. The whisper of her eyelashes around her glimmering eyes and curve of her cheek. She didn't have fire surrounding her but his senses knew she was like the embers warm..no hot hot ready to catch fire any instant. When he put his hands on her cheeks and drawn her near she looked at him with eyes so warm and still somehow so trusting and loving. He bent his head and her eyes closed at his exhale. Wait he told himself. _Wait wait wait._

He ran the pad of this thumb on her lower lip and her lips parted. Her eyes half opened with their gaze darker than he had ever seen. Suddenly it didn't seem like he had all the time in the world to wait. He closed the remaining space and touched his lips to hers. He was the luckiest man in the world.

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AN: please review :)


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